Soul Reaver 1a: Of Trivia and Block Puzzles
by Crystarr
Summary: Once, Raziel was a creature with no fear of Block Puzzles. Find out just how his trauma manifested in this, the third in the LoK-a series! Story now complete! (Don't read the last chapter if you're easily offended!)
1. Default Chapter

LOOK You are outside the Sanctuary of the Clans. It looks majestic in its splendor, or some metaphor like that.  
  
WHO AM I? You are Raziel, first-born of Kain's lieutenants. You have served Kain a millenium.  
  
INVENTORY You have:  
  
No tea;  
  
A pair of wings you didn't have yesterday;  
  
A tea-towel;  
  
A Clan-leader's robe;  
  
The Hitchhikers's Guide to Nosgoth;  
  
Super-Planet-Destroying-Hammer  
  
DIAGNOSE You are in good health.  
  
NORTH You walk to the gate of the Sanctuary.  
  
NORTH You walk into the gate.  
  
DIAGNOSE You have a sore nose  
  
OPEN GATE Done.  
  
NORTH You are in the Sanctuary of the Clans. This is a richly-decorated place, except for Melchiah's corner where dry-rot is starting to set in. Melchiah, Zephon, Rahab, Turel and Dumah are here. Kain's Throne, a small hammer and an analgesic tablet are here.  
  
TAKE ALL  
  
Small hammer: Taken  
  
Analgesic tablet: Taken  
  
Kain's Throne: You can not lift this object  
  
Melchiah: You can't. At least, you can't in this fanfic.  
  
Other brothers: I'm not going through them all. Suffice to say that this is not a smutfic, so Raziel won't be taking any of the others.  
  
TALK TO TUREL You make small talk with Turel. Perhaps you should talk to him about a specific topic? Turel looks at you oddly. "Raziel? What's wrong with you today? And what are those things growing out of your back?"  
  
TUREL, THOSE ARE MY WINGS "Wings? Is that why you called us here?! I'm missing ER right now, you know!"  
  
TUREL, SHUT UP "Never!!!! I'll keep ranting, and there's nothing you can do about it!!! BWA HAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
HIT TUREL WITH HAMMER Which hammer, the Super-Planet-Destroying-Hammer or the small hammer? Turel looks at you oddly. "Hey, what was that about hammers, Raz?"  
  
SMALL HAMMER Turel staggers away with a big, comical lump on his head.  
  
SAVE Game saved.  
  
TALK TO TUREL Turel is so annoyed at your attempt to talk to him after hitting him with a hammer that he rips off your wings and throws you into the Lake of the Dead. Sadly, as you didn't meet with Kain, you get chucked in sooner when the tide is out, and you expire messily at the bottom.  
  
You have died. Rooms explored: 344213 Points: 680865432903286  
  
RESTORE Game restored.  
  
WAIT Time passes... After a few moments, Kain walks into the chamber and sits on his throne. Your brothers take their positions.  
  
CONSULT GUIDE ON KAIN The Guide says: "Kain is an ancient, powerful, unpredictable Vampire. His likes are blood, blood, and more blood. His dislikes are humans, Time- Streamers, rebels and anarchists (when he's in power), rulers and monarchs (when he isn't), and Vampires that grow wings unexpectedly from their backs."  
  
APPROACH KAIN Done. Kain looks at you oddly. "Raziel? There's something not quite right about you today...you haven't gotten your ears pierced, have you?"  
  
KAIN, I HAVE GROWN WINGS Kain nods. "Right."  
  
SMILE I don't understand that word.  
  
HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW A WORD LIKE SMILE? With great ease, apparently. On his throne, Kain slowly starts to frown, as if he's just worked something out.  
  
DON'T PANIC Not done. Kain roars. "Raziel!!! You've turned the Legacy of Kain into a Text Adventure! How am I supposed to laugh evilly now?"  
  
KAIN, DESCRIBE IT WITH WORDS? "That doesn't...hey, did you say WINGS?!" Kain leaps over you and rips the wings out of your back. He also pulls the floppy disk out of your computer, and ***ERROR AT LINE 6727398287. PROGRAM ABORTED. AIN'T THAT THE DARNDEST THING?***  
  
Due to a strange quirk in the space-time continuum, we find ourselves a few minutes before Kain ripped off Raziel's wings. Eerie, eh?  
  
Raziel: (VO) Kain is die...dee...a Vampire. Few know the truth. He was mortal once, as were we all. Except Melchiah, but we don't talk about that. I am Raziel, and am much more handsome. Now, as I'm sure you're all interested in Darwin's little-known theory of Vampire evolution...  
  
Raziel's fellow Vampires are all suddenly wielding nasty-looking swords, spears, axes, and other weapons.  
  
Raziel: (VO) Er...long story short, Kain always got the cool powers before us, but this time, I got wings!  
  
Kain: Aw, man, look at me! I'm all wrinkled and yukky! I wish it was still Blood Omen 1a...no, wait, that had Sitcoms and Dollmakers in it. Never mind. Anyway, Raziel, what can I do for you?  
  
Raziel: Well, it's about these wings I've suddenly grown.  
  
Kain: Wings?  
  
Raziel: Yep. Cool, aren't they?  
  
Kain: WINGS?!?!  
  
Raziel: Er...are you OK?  
  
Kain: WHY DO YOU HAVE WINGS?!?! I DON'T HAVE WINGS!!!  
  
Raziel: Er...er...well, they're not very good anyway. You know, unless you want to fly...  
  
Kain: I WANT TO FLY!!!  
  
Raziel: Did I say fly..? I, er, I meant...to keep cool, like a big fan on your back. Kind of inconvenient, really.  
  
Kain: I WANT TO KEEP COOL! THESE LEATHER PANTS ARE REALLY HOT!!!!  
  
Raziel: Er...oh...well...  
  
Kain: THAT'S IT!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!  
  
Kain leaps onto Raziel, punches him in the face, and rips off his wings. Raziel falls to the floor, screaming in pain. Kain grabs the broken wing- spines and starts beating Raziel with them, screaming insanely. The other Vampires grab hold of Kain and pull him away. A moment later, Kain breaks free, kicks Raziel in the ribs, stomps in his crotch, then starts strangling him before the other Vampires manage to restrain him.  
  
John Cleese: And now...the punchline!  
  
Raziel: Good thing I didn't tell him about the tail...  
  
***  
  
IMPORTANT TRIVIA MESSAGE  
  
The most unusual Vampiric power ever developed in Nosgoth's history belonged to one Ora Sivanne. He developed the power to shapeshift into a Vampiric rabbit. For one glorious night, he used his small size and cuteness to beguile humans and sup on their blood. Sadly, Ora never worked out how to shift back to his normal form, and was tragically killed a few nights later when he was crushed by a giant cauliflower.  
  
***  
  
Kain has led his Vampire sons, who are dragging Raziel, to the edge of the cliff that over looks the Lake of the Dead. They all look confused.  
  
Kain: What the hell was that?  
  
Turel: An important trivia message.  
  
Kain: Er...right...  
  
Raziel: Kain! I'm sorry! I'll never grow extra body parts overnight without your permission again!  
  
Kain kicks Raziel in the ribs.  
  
Melchiah: What now, boss?  
  
Kain: Shut up, Melchiah.  
  
Melchiah bursts into tears and runs off.  
  
Dumah: Why'd you do that?  
  
Kain: I'm executing Raziel after a thousand years of loyal service for something that isn't his fault. Why shouldn't I yell at Melchiah for no reason? Now, cast him in.  
  
Kain listens to Raziel's screams, then bursts out laughing.  
  
Kain: APRIL FOOL!!! Ha! Gotcha, didn't I? I never really wanted Raziel dead!  
  
Turel: Very funny, Kain. I wish you'd told us two minutes before.  
  
Kain: Why?  
  
Zephon: Because that's when we chucked Raz in.  
  
Kain: What..?  
  
Kain speeds to the edge of the cliff.  
  
Kain: NOOOOO! RAZIEL!!! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!! Hang on, always wanted to do this...  
  
Kain puts on a gold cloth top with a wierd insignia on it, then rips it down his chest.  
  
Kain: KAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Rahab: (sighs) Trekkie...  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, and for the next thousand years or so, Raziel slowly disintegrates as he falls.  
  
Raziel: (VO) Tumbling, burning with white-hot fire, I plunged into the depths of...  
  
Bert: Hey, Raz!  
  
Raziel: Huh? Who are you?  
  
Bert: Oh, just another Vampire Kain chucked down here. You're not the first, ya know. Not by a long shot!  
  
Raziel: You sound very cheerful for a guy sent to his agonized demise.  
  
Bert: Well, after a few years, your pain receptors burn away, so you can't feel pain no more. When the pain's gone, it's quite a nice place to live. We've even set up a small village here, floating in the Abyss.  
  
Raziel: Really?  
  
Bert: Yeah, we based it on Steinchencroe.  
  
Raziel: What?! Let me out of here!  
  
Raziel dives further into the abyss, desperate to get away from the horrible smell. Bert snaps his fingers.  
  
Bert: Not Steinchencroe! I meant Paradise! Hey Raz...oh well, too late.  
  
Raziel dives so fast that he blacks out...  
  
...  
  
The scene opens on a dark, twisted realm that looks eerily like...an army medical unit of some kind? There are large tents and makeshift structures set up around the place, twisted demonic machines with large propellers are landing, and there is a set of loudspeakers there too. For some reason, an instrumental version of "Suicide is Painless" is playing in the background.  
  
Loudspeakers: Attention all personnel! Despite all of our bravest and most desperate efforts, lunch will be served as usual!  
  
Inside one of the biggest tents, demons in medical costumes are operating on various patients.  
  
Hasheye: Scalpel.  
  
Nurse: Scalpel, doctor.  
  
Hasheye: Sponge.  
  
Nurse: Sponge, doctor.  
  
Hasheye: Date.  
  
Nurse: Date, doctor?  
  
Hasheye: I'd be honored. How about next Tuesday?  
  
Crank: Why don't you keep your mind on the job, Piercer?  
  
Hasheye: Why don't you leave some of our guys for the enemy to kill, Crank? Now then...hmmm, this jaw's shot, I'll have to amputate it. And this abdomen...most of the visceral organs...random bits of body mass...and I'd better disfigure the eyes too, just to be safe. OK, nurse, you can wake him up now.  
  
The nurse wakes Raziel up and shows him a mirror.  
  
Hasheye: Well now, how do we feel?  
  
Raziel: WHAT THE expletive deleted HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!?!  
  
Hasheye: Just doing my job. The boss wants to see you, over through that door.  
  
Raziel gets up and goes through a nearby door, muttering furious mutterings about quacks. On the other side of the door is a huge cave occupied by what looks like a gigantic mutant squid from a 50s B-movie.  
  
Elder God: I know you, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: I must have been very drunk then! What is this pitiful form I have come to inhabit? I am destroyed!  
  
Elder God: You are reborn. The birth of one of Kain's abominations traps the essence of life. It is this soul that animates the corpse you 'lived' in. And that Raziel, is the demise of Nosgoth. There is no balance. The souls of the dead remain trapped. I can not spin them in the wheel of fate. They can not complete their destinies.  
  
Raziel: Er...right...OK..I have no idea what you're talking about, you know.  
  
Elder God: Redeem yourself. Or if you prefer, avenge yourself. Settle your dispute with Kain.  
  
Raziel: My dispute? You make it sound like he cheated in a game of chess!  
  
Elder God: Destroy him and your brethren. Free their souls and let the wheel of fate churn again. Use your hatred to reave their souls - I can make it possible. Become my soul reaver, my angel of death.  
  
Raziel: You sound like you need a bit of therapy, my tentacled friend. I mean, revenge on someone who killed you is one thing, but I've known you about one minute, and you've gone on and on about how much you hate Kain.  
  
Elder God: He must be stopped.  
  
Raziel: Perhaps you should talk to him, tell him you're unhappy, maybe come to an agreement...  
  
Elder God: NO! I will not sacrifice Nosgoth! I have made too many compromises already, too many retreats! He invades our souls and we fall back. He Vampirises entire cities and we fall back. But not again. The line must be drawn HERE! THIS FAR, NO FURTHER! And I will make him pay for what he's done!  
  
Raziel: Thank you, Jean-Luc. Can I go now?  
  
Elder God: Sure, right over there. But Raziel, a word of warning.  
  
Raziel: Yes?  
  
Elder God: Times have changed since Kain executed you. Your victims-to-be have all hidden themselves in huge sanctuaries, guarded by the most horrific defenses in Nosgoth.  
  
Raziel: You mean....really powerful Vampires?  
  
Elder God: No, Raziel, even worse. I mean...Block Puzzles!!!  
  
There is a short pause.  
  
Raziel: Block...Puzzles..?  
  
Elder God: Yes.  
  
Raziel: (laughing) Ha! Talk about pathetic! With no guards or traps, just stupid little puzzles to solve, this will be a walk in the park! I'll have probably killed the lot of them in a few hours! I confidently predict that I shall have no trouble at all with these Block Puzzles, and will not at any point be even the tiniest bit frustrated with them!  
  
Raziel leaves. The Elder God starts to laugh.  
  
Elder God: Oh Raziel, if only you knew...heh...heh heh...BWA HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!  
  
Raziel pokes his head back in the cave.  
  
Raziel: Did you say something?  
  
Elder God: Nothing at all. Go on and overcome these oh-so-easy Block Puzzles.  
  
Raziel: Righty-ho!  
  
Raziel marches off, unaware of the nightmares awaiting him, nightmares in Puzzle form... 


	2. Chapter 2 MST3Kain!

In the not-too-distant future, Next Sunday AD, There was this guy named Joel, Not so different from you or me. He worked at Gizmonic Institute, Just another guy in a red jump suit, He did a great job cleaning up the place, But his bosses really hate him, so they shot him into space...  
  
We'll send him cheesy movies, the worst we can find! He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind!  
  
Now keep in mind Joel can't control when the fanfics begin or end Because he used those special parts to make his robot friends...  
  
ROBOT ROLL CALL!  
  
CAMBOT! GYPSY! TOM SERVO! CROOOOOOOOOOOW!!!  
  
If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes, and other science facts, Then repeat to yourself - "It's just a show" - you should really just relax  
  
For Mystery Science Theatre 3000...  
  
***  
  
The scene is the Satellite of Love. Joel is standing around with a clipboard, while Gypsy, Tom and Crow are all listening eagerly to him.  
  
Joel: ...and that's the real meaning of existence.  
  
Tom: Of course! It's all so obvious!  
  
Gypsy: Why didn't we realize it before?  
  
Crow: I still don't get it.  
  
Everyone except Crow groans.  
  
Joel: I've explained it five times!  
  
Crow: Yeah, and I was with you at the start, with the talk about the spirit and the need to reach beyond the material into the world beyond. But I still can't quite figure out how the underwear bit fits in.  
  
Tom: But Crow, that was the cornerstone of the whole explanation! If you don't understand the underwear, then the raspberry jam is meaningless, and even the watermelons may as well not exist!  
  
Crow: Watermelons? I thought that was just a metaphor!  
  
Gypsy: No, you fool! The herd of rhinos was the metaphor! The watermelons were the counterpoint to the triple-balance of gravity, time, and the concept of packed lunch!  
  
Joel: Look, Crow, it's all so simple! I mean, the only bit that's at all complicated is the bit about carpet shampoo, and you understood that, right?  
  
Crow: Oh yeah, I got that.  
  
The others all sigh in relief.  
  
Crow: The shampoo provides the basis for the fabric of space/time, as well as lubricating the ethereal sponge cake, right?  
  
The others scream in frustration.  
  
Joel: NO! That's the opposite of the point I was trying to make! Cambot, hit him for me, will you?  
  
The camera slams right into Crow. The screen bursts into static. Luckily, there was a commercial break on the way...  
  
...one commercial break later, the crew of the Satellite of Love is facing a viewscreen, which displays Dr Forrester and Frank. For some reason, the evil duo is dressed in cling film. Joel, for his part, is carrying seventeen feather dusters tied together with duct tape.  
  
Frank: We're back on the air.  
  
Forrester: Well, congratulations, Joel. Thanks to your idiocy, your Cambot failed to show the world my latest evil invention to torture humanity with! And your lame little offering, but that's irrelevant.  
  
Joel shrugs.  
  
Forrester: I mean, without that footage we missed, all the people watching would think that you're on a spring cleaning kick, and I'm a moron that has some kind of perverted cooking fetish!  
  
Crow: There's an image we could live without!  
  
Forrester: Fine, onto today's little offering. Today, you'll be watching part of a Legacy of Kain fanfic. Tell them, Frank.  
  
Frank: It's true. You'll be watching part of a Legacy of Kain fanfic.  
  
Pause.  
  
Forrester: No, you moron! Tell them the rest, before I'm forced to hurt you. Again!  
  
Frank: Sorry, sorry! Er, you'll be watching...or should that be reading?  
  
Forrester: Frank!  
  
Frank: (quickly) Whatever it is, you'll be doing it to part 2 of Soul Reaver 1a by Crystarr, part of the Legacy of Kain-a series which is famous for its pointless digressions, shameless crossover ripoffs, and an utter lack of making sense. Enjoy!  
  
The viewscreen blinks off.  
  
Tom: Sounds like children's TV nowadays.  
  
Sirens go off, and lights flash.  
  
Joel: We've got fanfic sign!  
  
= Door 6 - a metal sliding door slides to the right =  
  
= Door 5 - a stone door opens slowly =  
  
=Door 4 - A metallic-looking door starts to fragment and disappear into the wall...but it gets stuck. Half a year passes while an engineer is awaited to fix the damn thing... =  
  
=And there are a bunch of other doors too. =  
  
The scene is now the theatre. We see the silhouettes of Tom, Crow and Joel sit down in front of the screen.  
  
Tom: Were there less doors than usual?  
  
Crow: Who cares? I'm just glad that engineer turned up.  
  
Joel: Yeah, maybe he can fix our fax machine next...  
  
Welcome to part 2 of Soul Reaver 1a - Of Trivia and Block Puzzles.  
  
Crow: An inspired start to what promises to be a crappy fanfic.  
  
Raziel walks out of the Elder God's chamber, then wobbles on his feet.  
  
Elder God: You are weak. You must feed.  
  
Crow: The gerbils, they've been left in the school all summer!  
  
Raziel: The old hunger has left me. I have no desire for blood.  
  
Joel: Pop-tarts, though...  
  
Elder God: You are changed. Your blood-thirst is replaced by a deeper need.  
  
Tom: Sex!  
  
Crow: Clean underpants!  
  
Joel: TV!  
  
Elder God: You have become a devourer of souls. To sustain your strength, you must hunt the lost spirits of the Underworld, and consume the souls of your enemies.  
  
Joel: Oh, of course! Silly us!  
  
Raziel consumes some souls from a convenient soul...giving...machine...thingy...  
  
Tom: Thingy?  
  
Crow: Ah, so this is that lack-of-making-sense that we heard about.  
  
Tom: Well, it was starting to look like the author was just copying from the dialogue, so I guess it's a good thing.  
  
and carries on out of the cave system. He arrives outside to a desolate area, full of cliffs, ruins, and bed and breakfasts.  
  
Raziel walks on until his path is blocked by a huge gap in the road.  
  
Joel: Raziel goes for the grappling hook on his utility belt, then remembers that he's not Batman!  
  
Raziel: Fudgesticles.  
  
All three watchers burst out laughing.  
  
Raziel: An inconvenient blockade! Well, no worries. I'll just use my wings to...wait, Kain tore off my wings. DAMN YOU KAIN! DAMN YOU TO HELL! AGAIN!  
  
All: Kain, you maniac! You blew it all up! Damn you! Damn you to hell!!!!  
  
Elder God: Your wings,  
  
Tom: Where is he? I can't see him!  
  
Joel: Is he related to the Magic Voice?  
  
though ruined, are not without purpose.  
  
Crow: They now write excellent opera.  
  
Take hold of them as you leap, and they will carry you across this chasm.  
  
Raziel tears off what remains of his wings, grabs hold of them, and jumps. He falls to a messy heap at the bottom of the canyon.  
  
Crow: The End. Let's go!  
  
Three hours later, Raziel, with his wings stapled back onto his back, sheepishly jumps over the cliff and uses the wings properly to float to the other side.  
  
Tom: Sheepishly? I've never seen a sheep go gliding on a pair of ruined wings before!  
  
Raziel walks a little further.  
  
Joel: This reminds me of a parody of a Limp Bizkit song - Strolling!  
  
Crow: Gotta be better than the original song...  
  
Tom: Thrill your pants off as Raziel travels around the ruined wasteland! Gasp in amazement as he climbs mountains! Scream in orgasmic delight as he walks from place to place!  
  
He spies a couple of transparent creatures feeding on souls.  
  
Raziel: What scabrous wretches are these?  
  
Tom: TV censors.  
  
Elder God: Sluagh,  
  
Joel: Bless you!  
  
the scavengers of the Underworld. Their feral hunger has claimed countless souls - spirits who now shall never find their rest.  
  
Tom: Sounds like TV censors to me!  
  
Raziel: Odd, they seem to resemble TV censors of some kind...  
  
Tom: ...  
  
Crow: Great minds think alike! So I guess dull minds do too!  
  
Tom: Shut up, Crow! This Raziel is obviously some sort of genius!  
  
For no apparent reason, Raziel slips and falls flat on his face.  
  
Crow: Of course he is...  
  
Unknown to him, the Sluagh communicate via pratfall, and falling flat on your face is Sluaghian for "There's an ice-cream van on the other side of the canyon!". The Sluagh quickly run to find it.  
  
Joel: Eh?  
  
Tom: That was weird!  
  
And so, Raziel travels on, discovering things such as Material Plane Portals, and how to sustain a physical body.  
  
Crow: And so, the author side-steps having to write an extra page or so.  
  
Tom: Lazy little...  
  
In the Material Plane, Raziel encounters strange, de-evolved creatures feasting on a human.  
  
Raziel: And I thought that I was ugly! What are these creatures?  
  
Elder God: Do you not recognize them? They are the children of your brother, Dumah.  
  
Joel: We don't want to know what the mother was, then!  
  
Crow: Dumah must have been very drunk that night...  
  
Raziel: That's impossible! These foul, scuttling beasts could not be kin of our high blood!  
  
Tom: Pot, kettle, black.  
  
Elder God: Do you suppose that time stood still for you, Raziel? Much has changed since you passed from the world of men.  
  
Joel: And now we've entered the Lord of the Rings!  
  
Adverts breaks have flourished, strawberry ice-cream is almost impossible to find, and the central heating systems all have that annoying noise you can never fix increased to unbearable levels!  
  
Raziel: No strawberry ice-cream! I'll kill those Vampires!!!  
  
Raziel leaps down to confront the degenerate Vampires.  
  
Raziel: (VO) I knew my opponents' weaknesses, having suffered them myself. Physical wounds are fleeting.  
  
Tom: Wedgies are eternal.  
  
A vampire's immortal flesh begins to close as soon as it is cleaved. Vampires need only fear those wounds that impale, or inflame. Water scorches like acid, and fledglings are devastated by sunlight's touch.  
  
Joel: So, you're invincible against swords, guns, and broken bottles, but you're dead meat against a guy armed with a kettle?  
  
Tom: Seems to me that being a Vampire would kind of suck!  
  
Crow: It does, doesn't it?  
  
Tom: No, I said being a Vampire would suck!  
  
Joel: We heard.  
  
Tom: Don't you get it?  
  
Crow: Get what?  
  
Tom: Fine, forget it!  
  
Raziel easily kills the two Vampires, drains their souls, and checks their wallets. He then approaches a wall with an exit too high for him to reach. He sees a large stone block nearby, and moves it to use to reach the opening.  
  
Raziel: Ha! That was easy! Like I said, I'll have no problems with Block Puzzles!  
  
Crow: It's the jigsaws I'm worried about!  
  
Raziel carries on, until he reaches the ruins of the Sanctuary of the Clans.  
  
Raziel: (VO) My God...the Sanctuary of the Clans, reduced to ruin! And the wallpaper was all peeled off! Beyond these walls lay the Pillars of Nosgoth, the seat of Kain's empire, and a cake shop I was really fond of. How humble it now appeared, collapsing into the dust of its former magnificence. And yet I had only just emerged...in the instant between my execution and resurrection, centuries had apparently passed! I'll bet the cakes have all gone off...  
  
The ground shakes, nearly flooring Raziel.  
  
Elder God: This world is wracked with cataclysms - the earth strains to shrug off the pestilence of Kain's parasitic empire. The fate of this world was preordained in an instant, by a solitary man. Unwilling to martyr himself to restore Nosgoth's balance, Kain condemned the world to the decay you see. In that moment, the unraveling began... now it is nearly played out. Nosgoth teeters on the brink of collapse - its fragile balance cannot hold.  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Joel: Eh?  
  
Crow: Huh?  
  
Tom: Err...  
  
Raziel: I don't have a clue what you're talking about!  
  
Elder God: Didn't you take Temporal Decay Physics 101?  
  
Raziel: Yes, but I spent all the lessons trying to work out ways to score with this hot Vampire chick sitting in front of me.  
  
Elder God: Disgusting.  
  
Raziel: Yeah...turns out she was into Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  
  
Crow: Into Buffy? So finally, we get to see a bit of girl-on-g...  
  
Joel: Spare us, Crow.  
  
Crow: Awww...  
  
Raziel: (VO) Though much of Nosgoth's landscape had changed, these cliffs gave me my bearings. My clan territory was to the west - I was anxious to see how my descendants had fared during the centuries of my absence.  
  
Tom: It turned out that his Clan had all became Shoe Salesmen for Adidas. Raziel was so horrified by the sell-out that he jumped into the Abyss. A thousand years later, the grisly scene would re-enact itself again...and again...and again...  
  
Joel: Welcome to...the Twilight Zone.  
  
All: Doo-doo doo-doo, doo-doo doo-doo...  
  
Raziel reaches his Clan territory. It is as deserted as a city centre twenty minutes into a post-apocalyptic sci-fi film.  
  
Raziel: (VO) Utter desolation. My once-proud kin, wiped from this world like excrement from a boot. I knew the hand that wrought this deed.  
  
Joel: Eeeewww! Use some toilet paper to wipe it, not your hand!  
  
Raziel ventures into the Clan Territory of Melchiah. He sees disgusting creatures tear humans apart, a graveyard doubling as a breeding ground, and the vending machines are charging really high prices.  
  
Raziel: (VO) This charnel house bore the unmistakable marks of Melchiah's clan. To what depths had our dynasty plummeted, if these ghouls were the descendants of my high-born brother? And where was his hidden stash of strawberry ice-cream? Were they so debased as to recruit fledglings from the desiccated corpses here interred? The Vampires, not the ice-cream, I mean. My brother, Melchiah, was made last, and therefore received the poorest portion of Kain's gift, and most of his clothes were hand-me-downs. Although immortal, his soul could not sustain the flesh, which retained much of its previous human frailty. This weakness, it seemed, was passed on to his offspring. Their fragile skins barely contained the underlying decay. And the vending machines were out of strawberry ice-cream.  
  
Tom: Enough with the ice-cream!  
  
***  
  
IMPORTANT TRIVIA MESSAGE  
  
On average, Vampires don't eat cheese, unless they are fans of Wallace and Gromit.  
  
***  
  
Crow: What the hell...?  
  
Tom: My head hurts...  
  
Joel: I think mine's going to explode too...and I'm not a robot!  
  
Raziel enters Melchiah's stronghold. Inside, he encounters stone Block Puzzles...and metal Block Puzzles...and soil Block Puzzles...and plantlike Block Puzzles...and more stone Block Puzzles...  
  
Joel: ALL RIGHT!!!! WE GET THE POINT!!!  
  
Tom: No wonder Raziel went insane!  
  
...and even more stone Block Puzzles...  
  
All: AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!  
  
...until finally, he found the main chamber...  
  
All: Phew!  
  
...where more Block Puzzles awaited him.  
  
All: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Raziel: So...many...blocks...but...b-but I conquered them! Ha! It was horrible, but I got past them! Now that we've seen that they can't stop me, I'm sure that no one else will try to stop me with Block Puzzles! Yep, I've seen the last of them!  
  
Tom: If there's a god, you have...  
  
Suddenly, a huge monstrosity made its presence known.  
  
Raziel: Show yourself, creature!  
  
Melchiah: Do you not recognize me, brother? Am I so changed?  
  
Crow: It's me, Hulk Hogan, brother!  
  
Tom: The receding hairline gave way to something even more ugly, brother!  
  
Joel: Stop saying the word "brother", brother!  
  
Raziel: Melchiah?  
  
Tom: Geez, he made that leap pretty fast! I mean, the last time he saw Melchiah, Melchiah looked human!  
  
Crow: Melchiah called him brother, remember?  
  
Tom: Yeah, but he does have a bunch of other brothers.  
  
Joel: But they don't hang around Melchiah's Clan Territory.  
  
Tom: Er...shut up, that's why!  
  
Melchiah: Yes, brother.  
  
Crow: It's me, brother!  
  
Joel: No more wrestling jokes! It's painful!  
  
You should have stayed where the master sent you, Raziel. You will find Nosgoth less pleasant than you remember.  
  
Raziel: Yeah, what happened to all the brothels? I really needed some stress relief! And speaking of things missing, what has become of my clan? Answer me, little brother, or I will beat an answer from your horrid lips.  
  
Tom: At least he still has lips, Raz!  
  
Melchiah: Everyone is afraid, sibling. You awake to a world of fear. These times of change are so unsettling. Do you think I feel no revulsion for this form? Do you believe for a moment that our Lord would risk his empire upon an upstart inheritance?  
  
Raziel: Enough riddles - what are you saying?!  
  
Melchiah: I'm saying...no, you can't have my strawberry ice-cream.  
  
Raziel: I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!  
  
Crow: What is this strawberry ice-cream thing? I thought Vampires only hungered for blood!  
  
Raziel beats up Melchiah, ties him up like a turkey, and stuffs him in a convenient cage.  
  
Raziel: Tell me, Melchiah - where can I find Kain?  
  
Melchiah: MMMMMPH!!!  
  
Raziel undoes the gag.  
  
Tom: A lot of gags have come undone in this fic, along with the jokes, puns and humour!  
  
Melchiah: The master is beyond your reach, Raziel. He makes himself known when he sees fit - not when commanded. And he never pays back any money you lend him! He still owes me for a new car!  
  
Raziel pulls the switch that causes a huge grinder to plough into Melchiah.  
  
Joel: Which begs the question of why Melciah would install a huge grinder in his private chambers in the first place.  
  
Melchiah: I am released...NNNYYYYAAAAGGGGHHH!!!!! Who'd have thought being ground to a paste would be so painful...?  
  
Raziel consumes Melchiah's soul.  
  
Elder God: You have done well, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Am I reduced to this? A ghoul? A fratricide?  
  
Crow: An insecticide?  
  
Elder God: Elevated, Raziel, not reduced. Consuming Melchiah's soul has endowed you with a new gift. Insubstantial barriers such as metal bars...  
  
Crow: Or barriers like having a wrecked, stupid-looking body...  
  
Raziel: Oh, I am so sick of this!  
  
There is a pause.  
  
Tom: Er, what's he sick of?  
  
Raziel: Those annoying comments you've been making all chapter!!!  
  
Crow: Who's he talking to?  
  
Raziel: Who do you think, you stupid golden beak-brain?! And you call me stupid-looking?  
  
Joel: Er...this is getting a bit disturbing.  
  
Raziel: You think that's disturbing? I'LL SHOW YOU DISTURBING!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Raziel bursts through the theatre screen and starts attacking Joel and the bots.  
  
Raziel: And this is for comparing me to Hulk Hogan!  
  
Tom: We didn't! We compared Melchiah to him!  
  
Raziel: I DON'T CARE!!!  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, far away, Dr Forrester and Frank were relaxing by the fire.  
  
Forrester: Ah, hear those screams coming from the Satellite, Frank?  
  
Frank: No. Sound doesn't travel in space.  
  
Forrester: Well, I can. Such joy. I truly am the most evil being in existence.  
  
A clawed hand grabs Forrester on the shoulder.  
  
Kain: So, another pretender to the throne?  
  
Forrester: Er...errrr...no, noooooooo! Frank, help me!!!  
  
Frank is too busy running for his life.  
  
Kain: So, you're some kind of scientist, are you? Then perhaps you'll help me with my biology. What does this body part do?  
  
Forrester: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
And so ends another delightful, family-friendly, child-suitable episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Please note that no humans, Vampires or robots were harmed during the making of this fanfic. Although someone will be harmed if I don't get my strawberry ice-cream soon... 


	3. Chapter 3 And now presenting

Pointless Fanfic Productions present...  
  
A Crystarr A-series Fanfic...  
  
SOUL REAVER 1A - OF TRIVIA AND BLOCK PUZZLES  
  
Starring...  
  
Christopher Lee as Kain  
  
A CGI-created character as Raziel  
  
Milla Jovovich as Ariel  
  
A lot of tires and hose pipe as the Elder God  
  
Pierce Bronsan as Vampire hiding behind Nature Pillar  
  
Winona Ryder, Christopher Lambert, Angelina Jolie and the Undertaker  
  
and Abraham Lincoln as himself.  
  
Music by the Cruxshadows (will not appear in this fic, but is rather good, so check it out anyway!).  
  
Directed by some guy with no life.  
  
(note that above details are subject to change, except the last one)  
  
Raziel enters the chamber. The Pillars of Nosgoth are here, in worse shape than the continuity of the Highlander films. Kain is also here, looking exactly the same as he did a thousand years ago. Guess he got bored of evolving. Raziel strides in, in...er...about the same shape as the Highlander continuity thingy.  
  
Kain: Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Kain.  
  
Kain: Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Kain.  
  
Kain: Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Kain.  
  
Kain: Are we going to just say each other's names a lot?  
  
Raziel: Kain.  
  
Kain: The Abyss has been unkind. I trust that you're not still sore about me ordering your agonising death and all, are you?  
  
Raziel: What did you do to my clan, you bastard? You had no right!  
  
Kain: What I make, I can also destroy.  
  
Raziel: DAMN YOU KAIN!!! You are not the deity of any major religion, and no minor ones (unless you count LoK fans)! This act of genocide is uncons...unconk...unfair!  
  
Kain: Oh, really? Your life's span is but a flicker compared to the mass of doubt and regret that I have borne since this stupid parody of the series started!  
  
Raziel: You think you've got it bad? You're not the one that had to go through Melchiah's Block Puzzles! I'm just glad that I can kill you here and never have to face another block-shaped puzzle again!  
  
Kain: The Puzzles are a testament to the decay of Nosgoth. This place has outlived its fandom...as have you.  
  
Raziel: You think so?  
  
Kain: No, but it was a cool line.  
  
Kain draws the Soul Reaver.  
  
Raziel: The Soul reaver. Kain's ancient blade, older than any of...  
  
Kain: I know what it is! It's my weapon, after all!  
  
Raziel: Huh? Oh, sorry, forgot to mark that as a voice over.  
  
Kain swings the Reaver. It cuts of Raziel's hand. As Raziel screams, Kain throws him into a Pillar on the other side of the room. Raziel clings painfully to the pillar, desperately trying not to fade into the Spectral Realm.  
  
Kain: Don't make me destroy you...  
  
Raziel: You are a monster! Owie, owie...  
  
Kain: The Elder God never told you the link that you and I have, did he?  
  
Raziel: He told me enough! He told me you killed me!  
  
Kain: No, Raziel. I...am your father!  
  
Pause.  
  
Raziel: No...that's not true! That's impossible!!!  
  
Kain: Search your feelings! You know it to be true!  
  
Raziel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Kain: Come with me, and together we'll rule Nosgoth as father and son! Again.  
  
Raziel whimpers, then slips into the Spectral Realm.  
  
Kain: Raziel...  
  
The Soul Reaver suddenly explodes, for no adequately explored reason.  
  
Kain: What the..? Hmmm, should have expected that. Its guarantee ran out last Thursday...  
  
***  
  
IMPORTANT TRIVIA MESSAGE  
  
Wielding swords out of iron, painting them green, inserting them into your own ribcage while leaping off a skyscraper, and singing pop songs is known to be hazardous to your health.  
  
***  
  
Raziel falls into the Spectral Plane, still minus his hand.  
  
Raziel: (VO) Ow! Ow! Stupid Kain, chopping off my hand like that!!! Grrr...but here before me was a strange sight. The Soul Reaver, not the physical blade, but a spiritual presence. I tried to consume it, but narrative causality stopped that little experiment. However, as I was missing a hand, I thought I might do an Evil Dead and replace my hand with it. Well, chainsaws hadn't been invented yet...  
  
Elder God: From this point on, you and this blade are bound, your destinies entwined. By destroying the sword, you have liberated it from its corporeal prison, and restored it to its true form - a wraith blade, its energy unbound. No longer a physical blade, it can only manifest itself in the material realm when your strength is fully restored. Once manifest, it will sustain you.  
  
Raziel: Er, right. Just out of interest, are there any side effects to using the Reaver?  
  
Elder God: Well, eventually it'll consume you into its physical self in a time long past to create a time-loop circle of agony and insanity for you...er...I mean, no, none at all! Nothing at all, honest! Really!  
  
Raziel: Oh, good.  
  
Ariel floats out from behind a Pillar.  
  
Ariel: What are you, little soul? Another of Kain's creatures come to taunt this bound spectre?  
  
Raziel: I did not intend to disturb your rest...  
  
Ariel: What? Oh, sorry. I'll call you later.  
  
Ariel hangs up the mobile phone.  
  
Raziel: For some reason, that mobile phone joke seems familiar...  
  
Ariel: I was talking to Pierce Bronsan. If you'd seen the credits, he was supposed to be hiding behind a Pillar instead of me.  
  
Raziel: According to the credits, you're supposed to be Milla Jovovich.  
  
Ariel: Er...yes, well...anyway, what were you saying?  
  
Raziel: I said I did not intend to disturb your rest.  
  
Ariel: Rest? A body is needed for sleep. Flesh and bones are needed to recline.  
  
Raziel: Oh. I see.  
  
Ariel: To restore yourself, you need a self to restore.  
  
Raziel: OK, I get it!  
  
Ariel: You can not regenerate if you have no physical shell to be weary in the first place...  
  
Raziel: OK! Alright!!!  
  
Ariel: A corporeal influence in the physical universe is required to return to a non-tired state...  
  
Raziel: SHUT UP!!!  
  
Ariel: Sorry. After millennia seeing nothing but the same slabs of stone every day, you get a bit ranty.  
  
Raziel: How did you come to haunt these Pillars?  
  
Ariel: Kain refused the sacrifice...  
  
Those words echo with creepy background music.  
  
Raziel: Er, right.  
  
Ariel: These Pillars serve only to bind me here, thanks to your master.  
  
Raziel: That bastard can claim no allegiance from me. Next time I see him, I'll kick him in the family blocks! Hmm, those Block Puzzles are really getting to me...  
  
Ariel: Then we share a common foe.  
  
Raziel: Block Puzzles?  
  
Ariel: Kain, you twit! Return here when you have need, or sandwiches. Ariel remembers what others have forgotten.  
  
Pause.  
  
Ariel: Oh blast, I can't remember how to disappear!  
  
Raziel: Why does this meeting not inspire me with confidence?  
  
Raziel leaves the Sanctuary and wanders around Nosgoth for a while. Eventually, he finds himself in a strange network of corridors with smooth, oval doors that open of their own will, and walls that seem almost alive somehow...  
  
Raziel: Hmmm...I think I may have taken a wrong turn. I don't remember this part of Nosgoth...  
  
Suddenly, a host of strange creatures appear in front of him. Two of them, a man and a woman, look human. One man is large, with tentacles emerging from his head, and a large sword in one hand. There is a woman who looks human save for her glittering blue skin and total lack of hair. A white- skinned and haired girl in leather clothes tilts her head and looks at Raziel, while a short, green creature hovers about on a flying seat.  
  
Crichton: OK, who are you and how did you get onto Moya?  
  
Raziel: I am and Raziel, and...I got lost.  
  
Rygel: You got lost. And I'm a frelling Scarren!  
  
Dargo: I think we should lock him up! He could be a spy for Scorpius!  
  
Zhaan: Peace, Dargo. We should hear the visitor out before resorting to violence.  
  
Chiana: Yeah! Besides, he's cute!  
  
Rygel: CUTE?! Him??  
  
Raziel: Cute? ME?! I don't even have a jaw!  
  
Chiana: Great! It'll be different, then!  
  
Aeryn: Chiana, save it for later.  
  
Pilot: Moya and I have no record of anything even resembling the species of our...guest here.  
  
Raziel: Aww, geez, not another disembodied voice!  
  
For no reason, a trapdoor opens, sucking Raziel into it.  
  
Zhaan: Well, that escapade ended faster than normal.  
  
Dargo: Let's go get something to eat. I'm starved.  
  
Aeryn: Alright, but first...  
  
All: SAVE FARSCAPE!!!!!  
  
Meanwhile, Raziel is dumped outside a large cathedral.  
  
Raziel: (VO) Stupid pointless digressions...now where am I? Oh yes! Once a testament to mankind's defiance of Kain's empire and the Nosgoth Stock Market Crash, this towering cathedral now stood derelict, the humans who worshipped here long dead. Its architects conceived this tower as a holy weapon against the vampire menace, a colossal instrument of brass and stone, and a potential prizewinner for the annual Architect's Prize. The cathedral's pipes, once tuned to blast a deadly pop song (ugh!), now stood silent, and these vacant spaces whistled their impotence. Hee hee...I said impotence!!!  
  
Raziel enters, ready to fight an army of Vampires. In fact, he finds...three Vampires, and a load of Block Puzzles!  
  
Raziel: Aww, COME ON!!! Not more stupid Block Puzzles!!!  
  
Raziel kills the Vampires, then tackles the great Element Block Puzzle...  
  
Raziel: Hot! Cold! Bright! Windy! Uh...uh...  
  
...the Pipe Organ Block Puzzle...  
  
Raziel: AAAGH!!! I'm tone deaf!!!  
  
...the Spider-web Block Puzzle...  
  
Raziel: This is Zephon's work! I'm sure of it!!!  
  
...the Bakery Block Puzzle...  
  
Raziel: What the hell..?  
  
...the Paperback Puzzle...  
  
Raziel: Can't take...any more...of this...  
  
...the Musical Puzzle...  
  
Raziel: I wish I was back in the Abyss...  
  
...and the Shadow Block Puzzle.  
  
Raziel: I think I'm having spasms...  
  
So there is now only the Door Block Puzzle...  
  
Raziel: NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!  
  
...and the Sewer Pipe Puzzle to do...  
  
Raziel: Finally....finished!  
  
...before Raziel can go for the Wall Scaling Block Puzzle...  
  
Raziel: I HATE MY UNLIFE!!!  
  
...and get into Zephon's chamber!  
  
Raziel: So many blocks...s-so man-n-ny b-blocks...  
  
Zephon: The prodigal son...there is no returning for you, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Eh? How can you say that when I'm obviously standing here, returned from the Abyss, in front of you?  
  
Zephon: I'm a giant mutant spider. Reality's not my forte.  
  
Raziel: Your visage becomes you. It's an appropriate reflection of your soul.  
  
Zephon: Oh, like your current appearance is going to send hordes of girls into sexual ecstasy! You have missed so many changes, Raziel. They replaced Earthworm Jim with Teletubbies, and they don't sell fizzy Chewits any more!  
  
Raziel: Geez, this place has gone to the dogs!  
  
Zephon: Spiders.  
  
Raziel: Them too.  
  
Zephon: Speaking of Chewits...I'm hungry. Can I eat you?  
  
Raziel kicks Zephon in what remains of his testicles, then mutilates him so badly with the Reaver that Zephon ends up looking like a pool of bloody vomit.  
  
Zephon: I'll...take that...as a n-no, shall I-I..?  
  
Raziel: This'll learn you for making me go through so many Block Puzzles!  
  
Raziel consumes Zephon's soul.  
  
Elder God: Consuming Zephon's apostate soul has bestowed on you a new gift. Like his vampire spawn, you are able to scale certain walls which are otherwise impassable - but only in the physical realm. In the spirit world, these insubstantial edifices will not support you.  
  
Raziel: Huh?  
  
Elder God: Just as the arachnid-like Zephonim were able to make their way up vertical surfaces, you may now imitate that previously-impossible ability.  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Elder God: You can climb walls, Raziel!  
  
Raziel: Come again?  
  
Elder God: Grrr...you readers better go, this could take a while. Look Raziel, have you ever seen that Spiderman movie...? 


	4. Chapter 4 Remember this story at all?

In an American resort town, full of mist and light snow, Raziel walks down an abandoned street. We won't go into why he's in America and not Nosgoth (he got lost, alright?!).  
  
Raziel: Gee, this place is boring.  
  
Suddenly, three monsters burst out at him. One is a large, bloated man with a giant sword and a huge triangular helmet. One is a huge winged demonic creature that looks slightly feminine. And the third is bizarre mutant of some sort with a frantically shaking head. Raziel doesn't panic, he just bares his body menacingly and brings forth the Reaver. There is a moment's pause.  
  
Pyramid Head: Er...sorry.  
  
Valtiel: Thought you were someone else.  
  
Samael: Geez, makes me ashamed of my monsters...  
  
The three monsters slink off quietly. Raziel shrugs and walks on.  
  
Meanwhile, three people sit chatting in a cafe.  
  
Harry: Silent Hill is quiet. There aren't any monsters around lately. Or aliens.   
  
Heather: Nah, they must have ran off from me! I'll kill them all! Hey, do I know you from somewhere?  
  
Harry: You look a bit like Cheryl. Except with blonde hair. And older.   
  
Heather: And you're like a younger version of my dad - it takes a year for you to finish a sentence!  
  
James: Duh, this looks like a good thing to shave with.  
  
Heather: Hey, put my katana down!  
  
James: Ow! Sharp swords hurt when they cut you!  
  
Harry: Idiot. Moron.   
  
Somewhere far, far away, Raziel had gotten back to Nosgoth. He was climbing over mountains, wearing an oxygen tank and sunglasses. Why? Because he'd crashed into a hardware store and then a clothes shop! Duh!  
  
Raziel: I really need to watch where I'm walking...a-ha! The Tomb of the Sarafan! That overgrown octopus said something about going here. At least, I think he did. I can't understand a word that guy says!  
  
Raziel strolls into the Tomb of the Sarafan. As he does so, the voice of the Elder God reaches him.  
  
Elder God: Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Yes?  
  
Elder God: That wasn't a question. You must now enter the Tomb of the Sarafan, where you will uncover a secret of your past. But be warned, this secret may well destroy you.  
  
Raziel: Oh. Well, in that case, I think I'll pass.  
  
Elder God: There is also a guardian in here that will grant you an ability you need to move on through Nosgoth.  
  
Raziel: You what?! Why do I constantly have to gain new abilities just to carry on walking through a land I've known for thousands of years?! This stupid realm!  
  
***  
  
IMPORTANT TRIVIA MESSAGE  
  
Important Trivia Messages rarely have any real trivia in them. And they aren't generally important, either.  
  
***  
  
Raziel plods into the Tomb, killing Lara Croft on the way in.  
  
Raziel: (VO) Because I want that new ability, and she'll only muck things up by killing the guardian and stuff.  
  
Raziel walks into a chamber. Suddenly, he is frozen in place, and wearing a knapsack and an odd horned helmet. The scene changes to a castle antechamber, where a bearded man is looking at Kain, Janos Audron and Vorador sitting by a TV screen in the wall.  
  
Treguard: Timeout is gone. The Quest is on!  
  
Kain: Huh?  
  
Janos: Wha..?  
  
Vorador: What the hell is this?!  
  
Treguard: Warning, team, manifestation is occurring! Stand quite still, Dungeoneer!  
  
Kain: Who are you calling a Dungeoneer?  
  
Treguard: Raziel, of course!  
  
Raziel: I can't see anything!!!  
  
In the wall in front of Raziel, a face appears in the stone.  
  
Face: I am Olgarth of Legend. Face me or perish, intruder.  
  
Raziel: Hello? What's happening?  
  
Kain: I'd like to know that, too...  
  
Raziel: Kain?! Where are you?  
  
Kain: Sitting with Vorador, Janos Audron, and some guy I don't know.  
  
Raziel: Janos who?  
  
Janos: You'll find out.  
  
Olgarth: Three truths I seek, and here is my first. What is life to humans, but death to Vampires?  
  
Janos: Come on, guys, we can do this!  
  
Vorador: I'm not working with HIM! He killed Umah!  
  
Kain: She had it coming!  
  
Vorador: Why you...  
  
Kain and Vorador start fighting. Janos sags in his bench and groans.  
  
Olgarth: Water was the truth I sought.  
  
Treguard: Hey! Stop fighting! How're you going to redeem the Sword of Freedom like this?  
  
Raziel: Like this!!!  
  
Raziel tears off the helmet and reduces Olgarth to rubble, then flees the chamber. Kain and Vorador have rolled out of the room while trying to kill each other, and Janos seems to be counting to a hundred.  
  
Treguard: We really need to screen prospective Dungeoneers for Knightmare more thoroughly.  
  
Raziel enters a new chamber. This one has an evolved Vampire in it.  
  
Vampire: So, Raziel, you...  
  
Raziel throws petrol into the Vampire's eyes, then hits him in the face with the Reaver. The Vampire dies in an explosive flash. Raziel eats his soul and gains the Force Projectile ability.  
  
Raziel: I'm trying to move the story on a bit faster, see?  
  
Raziel walks a bit further into a room with a bunch of graves. They read like this:  
  
Here lies Turel - He never did work out whether it was "how still it beats" or "how it still beats".  
  
Here lies Zephon - He died like he lived (bitching about how unfair it all was).  
  
Here lies Malek - Well, not really, there was that whole Mortanius-Armour- Failing the Circle thing...  
  
Here lies Melchiah - But no one really cares.  
  
Here lies Rahab - He wanted to be buried at sea, but we couldn't be bothered lugging him all the way over there.  
  
Here lies Dumah - He needed to lose weight anyway.  
  
Here lies Raziel - If a future, decrepit, soul-eating version of him ever discovers this tomb, I want you to know that you brought it on yourself - literally! BWA HAHAHAHA!!! But you won't know what that means for a long time. I could tell you, but I've run out of room to carve messages on this sarcophagu...  
  
Raziel looks at these tombs for a long time, then shrugs and leaves.  
  
Elder God: Uh...aren't you angry? Upset? Devastated?  
  
Raziel: Not really. But I'm a good actor, so I'll pretend.  
  
Raziel cheerily makes his exit, bouncing away on a pogo stick while whistling the theme tune to Bonanza.  
  
Elder God: Gee, that was the biggest anti-climax since the last time I scored... 


	5. Chapter 5 Shameless Crossovers!

Raziel is wearing a suit and sitting at a desk.  
  
Raziel: Good morning. It's not unheard of in the realms of fanfiction and general story-writing for an author to get bored and rush through parts of stories, allowing the quality of them to deteriorate. Now, even though Crystarr has, up to this point, written the LoKa series with professionalism, quality and excellence...excuse me...  
  
Raziel leaves the room. From outside, a lot of hysterical laughter is heard. Raziel can be a real smartass sometimes. Eventually, he returns to the desk.  
  
Raziel: Anyway, to speed things up, he's decided to experiment in putting Soul Reaver characters in situations from other stories and mythologies. Now, many of you may think that this is an unoriginal and cheap way of writing a parody, and you'd be right. But Crystarr can't handle criticism, so please pretend you think it's the greatest thing he's ever done (which isn't saying much). Now, without further ado, here is Raziel Hood!  
  
The scene changes to the exterior of the drowned abbey. Raziel is here, decked up in what looks like a modified Link costume from the Zelda series, with a feathered cap.  
  
Raziel: Ha! I, Raziel Hood, am here! Sheriff of Rahab-ham! Release the fair maiden or prepare for the consequences!  
  
Way above on the battlements, Rahab waves.  
  
Rahab: So, Raziel Hood, you presume to tell me what to do? Even when I have your lady love in my grasp?  
  
Ariel appears, wearing a flowing white dress.  
  
Ariel: I am not doing it. I'm not being Marian.  
  
Rahab: Oh for...not again! Look, Raz has to deal with Block Puzzles, you know. Count yourself lucky!  
  
Ariel: Grrr...fine...(flatly) Save me, Raziel. Oh, the horror. I am scared.  
  
Rahab: Gee, how emotional.  
  
A grappling hook flies past, and Raziel climbs onto the roof.  
  
Raziel: Now, Sheriff, prepare yourself!  
  
Rahab: Hey! You weren't supposed to do that! I had a load of Block Puzzles waiting to torture you inside!  
  
Raziel: Bite me, Fishface.  
  
Rahab: Why you...  
  
Raziel activates the Reaver, while Rahab pulls a sword from somewhere. The camera moves to a nearby wall, where we see the shadows of the two Vampiric brothers starts to fight. Swords parry and thrust, deflect and slice...  
  
Ariel: You know, I'm not just some sideshow, waiting to throw my arms around the hero after he saves my helpless butt. I have depth! I went to University, you know. I have a Doctorate in Balance, and a PhD in Spectral Theory! And I was in the Circle's Track and Run team!  
  
The shadow of Raziel kicks Rahab's shadow in the crotch, then starts jumping on him.  
  
Ariel: I appeared in the award-winning play "Mentalists Prefer Blondes", and wrote my biography "Kain, You Bastard, You Were Supposed to Choose the Other Option".  
  
The shadow of Rahab uses pepper spray on Raziel's shadow, then starts swinging a chainsaw.  
  
Ariel: And do I get any respect? No! The boys keep playing practical jokes on me in my dressing room, like writing "Two-faced Ghost" in lipstick on my mirror, or making prank phone calls on my mobile phone...  
  
Rahab's shadow has pulled out a flamethrower, and is frying Raziel.  
  
Ariel: And Dumah keeps making a pass at me, the pervert. Like I'm going to go out with a guy who can't even hold off a human army!  
  
Raziel's shadow points up to the sky. Rahab's shadow looks up, and Raziel plants some dynamite on his chest and runs. Rahab, unsurprisingly, dies. Raz eats his soul.  
  
Raziel: Ah, my fair lady Arielan, now we can finally run off to Shermogent Forest and...  
  
Ariel shows Raziel the rotted side of her face.  
  
Raziel: AAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!  
  
Raziel runs off. Ariel pulls out her mobile phone, rings someone, and walks off.  
  
Elder God: In case anyone cares, eating Rahab's soul means Raziel can't be hurt by water now. Hello? Anyone there?  
  
**************************************************************************** ***  
  
IMPORTANT TRIVIA MASSAGE  
  
The above line should have said "Important Trivia Message". The reason for the typo is that I was writing this while drinking orange juice.  
  
**************************************************************************** ***  
  
The scene has changed now to a desert area, full of cliffs, cactuses (or cacti, or whatever the plural is), roads, rails, and other stuff. The sound of very fast running is heard, at which point we see Dumah running at incredibly high speeds. Dumah suddenly freezes mid-step, and the caption "Dumah : Egois-Deludis" is seen by him. Slowly, Dumah starts to run again, finally shooting off the screen. A moment later, Raziel runs onto the screen, is frozen, and a caption saying "Raziel : Blockius-Despisus" appears, before letting him run on.  
  
The pair continue running, so fast that a huge dust cloud is thrown up. Soon, only the top of Raziel's head can be seen in the dust. Raziel comes to a stop, and looks around confused. Dumah's head walks through the top of the dust behind Raz.  
  
Dumah: Boop-boop!  
  
Raziel jumps in shock, partly because after hours of practice, Dumah still can't get the beep-beep right, allowing his whole head (well, what's left of it) to be seen. He activates the Reaver, but Dumah points down. The dust fades, and we see that Raziel has run right off the edge of a cliff, and is standing in thin air. He looks sadly at the camera, and then falls down...down...down...and disappears into the Spectral Realm.  
  
***  
  
Raziel is in the middle of a road, chaining a moaning prisoner to the tarmac. He puts up a sign saying "Free Blood - Vampire Lords Welcome", then dashes off up a cliff overhanging the scene. A large lever is there, connected to a wire. Looking down, we see that the wire leads to several poorly-buried Glyph Energy Generators underneath the prisoner. Raziel chuckles, and waits.  
  
A few moments later, Dumah runs up to the scene. He stops, and starts feeding on the prisoner. Raziel laughs, pulls the lever...and nothing happens! Dumah finishes his meal.  
  
Dumah: Bip-bip!  
  
He dashes off. Raziel pulls the lever back and forth several times, then goes down to the now-dead prisoner and the generators. He puts his hands on his hips and considers the situation, at which point the generators all explode. When the flash fades, all that is left is a pissed-off and very charred Raziel.  
  
***  
  
Raziel is hiding behind a large rock. He waits until he hears the sound of running. He leaps out, blocking the road, and gets trampled on by the horde of demons running along.  
  
***  
  
Raziel is opening a large box labelled "Nosme". He pulls out a large pair of Nosme Artificial Wings, and slips them over the ruined remains of his own wings. He climbs to the top of a cliff, and waits for Dumah to come running far below. When he sees Dumah, Raziel jumps...and plummets. He flaps the wings frantically, and halfway down manages to get them working. Raziel swoops gracefully down, and comes within an inch of grabbing hold of Dumah. Dumah piles on the speed, but Raziel flies up into the air, then swoops down again. This time, his claws brush the back of Dumah's head.  
  
Raziel swoops up, activating the Reaver, an evil grin on his face. He flies up, coming level to the top of a cliff. He is about to dive again, when he sees Kain standing on the cliff edge beside him. Kain reaches out and tears off the Nosme wings. Raziel desperately tries to float (not that it did him any good in the first sketch), but the tattered remains of the Nosme wings get tangled up in the tattered remains of his real wings. Raziel falls down...down...down...and disappears into the Spectral Realm.  
  
***  
  
Raziel paints a large tunnel entrance picture on the side of a mountain, and places a sign next to it saying "Undefended Human Village - 1/2 mile". He then hides in a nearby bush. Dumah runs up and enters the tunnel with no problem at all. Raziel gapes in astonishment, then jumps out and makes to follow. Suddenly, a suspicious look enters his eyes, and he attaches a Nosme Giant Spring to his chest, and lines the rocks behind him with pillows. He then charges into the tunnel, expecting to spring off solid rock. Instead, he runs right through the tunnel and out the other side into thin air. Raziel falls, landing spring-first on the ground. He is sprung up into a cliff overhang, which ends up driving his head through the rock. The overhang then cracks and falls from the main cliff, smashing on the ground. Raziel is left sitting up for a moment, then collapses in a daze in the rubble.  
  
***  
  
Raziel consumes a Nosme Speed Soul, which triples the speed of any soul- eating entity that eats it. At this point, Dumah races by. Raziel runs on the spot for a few seconds to build up momentum, and then charges. Sadly, his cowl has caught on a cactus, and stretches until Raziel has almost caught Dumah, before snapping him painfully back into the cactus.  
  
***  
  
Raziel is determined to get his own back now. Seeing that Block Puzzles have always given him grief, he gets hold of all the Block Puzzles he can and puts them all over the road. The idea is that Dumah will have to solve them to continue, and by the time he makes it through the seventeen mile long Block Puzzle labyrinth, he'll beg Raziel to kill him. Finally finished, Raz goes up to the top of a cliff overlooking the scene. As he waits, Dumah sneaks up behind him.  
  
Dumah: Bup-bup!  
  
Raziel leaps in fright, falling off the cliff and landing right in the centre of the Block Puzzles. Dumah sticks out his tongue and runs off as Raziel screams.  
  
***  
  
Raziel has gotten hold of a gigantic Soul Reaver sword - about twenty times the size of Raziel himself! He lugs it up to the top of a cliff, then secures it pointing downwards. Way below, another prisoner is chained up with a "Free Blood" sign nearby. Dumah runs up, stops, and begins to feed. Raziel jumps onto the giant Reaver hilt, then fires off the biggest Reaver Force Bolt ever seen. Dumah finishes his meal and runs off, allowing the bolt to smash into the ground. The vibrations created make Raziel slip off the giant Reaver, and he falls down...down...down...and disappears into the Spectral Realm. A few moments later he reappears, looking really annoyed. The giant Reaver chooses that moment to slip from its ropes, and falls down, crushing Raziel as it lands.  
  
***  
  
Raziel is in a workshop of some kind, surrounded by tools, blueprints, and raw materials. The blueprints are all labelled "Ultimate Plan". Raziel chuckles at the intricate details of his ever-so subtle plan...  
  
Soon after, Dumah is calmly running along when Raz suddenly jumps out from behind a large rock, swinging a gigantic axe.  
  
Raziel: DUMAH!!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!  
  
Dumah: Bap-bap!  
  
Dumah dashes off, with Raziel hot on his heels, swinging the axe like crazy. After a couple of minutes, though, Raziel is exhausted. Dumah looks back and sticks out his tongue.  
  
Dumah: Run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm...  
  
Dumah, not looking ahead of him, runs straight into a giant furnace and burns to a crisp. Raziel staggers up and consumes his soul.  
  
Elder God: Having consumed Dumah's soul, you can run around in circles until the target is crushed in constricting bands of energy. Or until you get dizzy and fall over. Whichever comes first.  
  
Raziel: Great.  
  
Elder God: Well, now's the time to go kick Kain's ass!  
  
Raziel: Hmm? What about Turel?  
  
Elder God: He was taken out of this game.  
  
Raziel: What?!  
  
Elder God: Look at it this way - that's one less set of Block Puzzles to do.  
  
Raziel: Point taken. Very well, I shall go and destroy Kain...tomorrow!  
  
Elder God: Why not now?  
  
Raziel: You know, I killed two targets in one chapter! Some employers would be happy with that!  
  
Elder God: I am not some employers.  
  
Raziel: Well, I'm booking the rest of the day off, so ner!!  
  
Raziel goes off to sleep. As am I. It's harder to write Road Runner scenes than you'd think! 


	6. Chapter 6 What was I thinking!

"In the Nosgothian justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups - the police who investigate crime, and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. Of course, as Kain is the dictator of Nosgoth, their efforts mean squat, but what are you going to do? These are their stories."  
  
The scene is a court room. Raziel is the prosecutor, Kain is the defendant, judge, jury, and the audience in general. A bit of a lopsided case, really.  
  
Raziel: I put it to you, Kain, that a thousand years ago, you did rip the wings off your innocent victim, Raziel...  
  
Kain: Objection! Sensationalism!  
  
Kain: Sustained.  
  
Raziel: Grrr...Kain, did you rip off my wings?  
  
Kain: Yes.  
  
Raziel: And cast me into the abyss?  
  
Kain: Yes.  
  
Raziel: And wipe out my clan.  
  
Kain: Perhaps.  
  
Raziel: Objection - evading the question!  
  
Kain: Over-ruled.  
  
Raziel: And you set me up to go through millions of Block Puzzles!  
  
Kain: Objection - irrelevant.  
  
Kain: Sustained.  
  
Raziel: Quit doing that!  
  
Kain: Objection - Raziel's ugly.  
  
Kain: Sustained.  
  
Raziel: I'll kill you!  
  
Kain: Objection - I feel bored.  
  
Kain: Sustained. Raziel, your case is thrown out...as are you.  
  
Kain throws Raziel out of the building.  
  
Kain: Next up - Kain v Hash'ak'Gik...again.  
  
Kain: Geez, Hash, get over it. It's three thousand years and seventeen court cases later. You're not going to pin that murder charge on me, and that's that!  
  
But getting back to the story...  
  
Raziel is standing on the threshold of the Cave of the Oracle (Who is not at all related to Moebius, no matter what you...)  
  
Raziel: Oh no, we're not doing that again. That got old back in Blood Omen 1a! Besides, everyone knows that the Oracle and Moebius are the same guy.  
  
And the Faith Healer.  
  
Raziel: Nope. That was a one-off joke of your own. Now, to begin the voice- over...The Oracle's Cave, where Kain's first fateful meeting with Moebius occurred. Moebius played the role of a doddering soothsayer, a senile old fortune-teller, a stupid, stumbling, inbred, cretinous half-wit whose brain was so defective that...  
  
Moebius: Hey!  
  
Raziel: Sorry. Anyway, he was stirring his pot of visions while dispensing enigmatic predictions to gullible visitors. Underneath the facade was Moebius the Time Streamer, sorcerer of the Circle of Nine - a ruthless manipulator with the power to bend time and to kiss the ass of giant squids. Since his murder at Kain's hands centuries ago, these caves have stood vacant... though, like Moebius himself, they are rumored to be only a facade for a much larger, more elaborate complex with much more expensive wallpaper. I sensed that Kain was here, though I didn't recall getting hunting powers from any of my brothers, and at that moment, I would have plumbed the depths of hell to find him.  
  
Oh. Alright. A hole spitting hellfire and brimstone opens up beneath Raziel, who starts to plummet.  
  
Raziel: AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!! IT WAS A FIGURE OF SPEECH!!!!  
  
Eeep! Sorry! Raziel is now back in the Cave. A few steps in, he finds a statue of Moebius.  
  
Raziel: (VO) This, I deduced, must be the man himself - the Time Streamer, Moebius. He seemed not at all the impressive figure I had imagined from Kain's boasted exploits. In fact, he seemed like a weedy little brat that would make a deposit of waste fluids on the floor between his legs before putting up a fight. I predicted that he wouldn't have caused me any problems at all even if he had still been alive to bother me. And yet, even this cold image radiated a certain undeniable power...no, no it didn't. Not really. It was about as threatening as an old washcloth. I was just trying to be dramatic.  
  
Raziel's exploration of the cave isn't really all that interesting, so we'll have a little diversion. Now then, let's see how much innuendo we can shove into a scene of LoK, shall we?  
  
The scene is a large bedchamber. Raziel is sitting here, and Ariel is also here, sans-mobile phone for once. Raziel has the Reaver activated.  
  
Raziel: Hi there, Ariel.  
  
Ariel: Hi Raz. Wow, I have to say, that's a big weapon you've got there!  
  
Raziel: Thanks, but it's not the size that makes it impressive. It's the sheer power, plus how I use it. Watch this.  
  
Raziel shoots a Reaver Projectile out, which blasts away a load of junk lying on the floor.  
  
Ariel: Oh my...you shot your load all over the place! You're so masterful with that!  
  
Raziel: Practice, that's all. I've had loads of practice with my weapon. I can get it going with one hand now!  
  
Ariel: Ever used it on a person?  
  
Raziel: Oh yes, I've thrust it into a lot of people.  
  
Ariel: Is it hard?  
  
Raziel: Nah. It's so powerful, it can penetrate with ease!  
  
Enter Umah.  
  
Umah: Hi there guys. Geez, Raziel, quit waving that thing around!  
  
Raziel: Sorry, just showing it to Ariel.  
  
Umah: Well...I can see why you're proud of it. Hey, is that thing pulsing?  
  
Raziel: I've been jabbing it at people too much. It's getting over-excited.  
  
Umah: Hey, look who's here!  
  
The rest of the female LoK cast arrive, being Azimuth, DeJoule, the Seer...er...well, that's about it. Makes you realize how few girls there are in Nosgoth. We'll throw in the Biscuit Woman to make up the numbers.  
  
Raziel: Hi guys. Come to join in our little threesome?  
  
Seer: Perhaps. Or maybe we all just came...  
  
Azimuth: Hee hee!  
  
Seer: ...to kill you...to gang up on you.  
  
Raziel: You mean a gang-bang?  
  
DeJoule: That would be unfair, you wouldn't stand a chance in such a fight. Maybe we'll attack in teams of two. You can handle some double-teaming, right?  
  
Biscuit Woman: Biscuit! Biscuit!  
  
Azimuth: Shut up.  
  
DeJoule: Hey, cool Reaver! Can I touch it?  
  
At that point, the Reaver takes control, sick of being part of this scene, and starts pounding on all present...  
  
**************************************************************************** ******  
  
POINTLESS TRIVIA MESSAGE  
  
The above scene was truly terrible, though not as terrible as the TV adverts they shove out nowadays...  
  
**************************************************************************** ******  
  
Raziel discovers a long passage with a series of strange portals, though at first he doesn't understand their significance, for he is currently distracted...  
  
Raziel: I am never, EVER doing that innuendo thing again! GOT IT?!?  
  
Raziel throws up, then finally notices the first portal.  
  
Raziel: What the hell's this? A mini-game?  
  
The first portal shows Raziel being revived in the Chamber of the Elder God.  
  
Raziel: My arrival in this miserable fanfic...what trickery is this?  
  
Elder God: It is no illusion, Raziel, but a glimpse into the currents of Time itself. Moebius was frustrated by the total lack of Video Recorders in Nosgoth, so he used he powers to create these portals in order to watch TV programmes past, present and future at his whim.  
  
Raziel: But there's no such thing as television programmes in Nosgoth.  
  
Elder God: Moebius never was the sharpest sword in the armory.  
  
The next portal shows Raziel in the Tomb of the Sarafan.  
  
Raziel: Been there, done that, seen the Portal, bought the T-shirt...  
  
Raziel takes off his t-shirt stating "I discovered my true origins in the Tomb of the Sarafan, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" and moves on. The next portal shows Kain shattering the Reaver over Raziel's head.  
  
Raziel: Ouch...that looks even more painful from this angle.  
  
Next, we see Raziel and Kain square off in a boxing match.  
  
Raziel: Has all this been foretold? Damn, the Portal doesn't show the end of the match. I was going to place a large bet...  
  
Next, Raziel strikes down Ariel with the Reaver.  
  
Raziel: No! This cannot be! Unless...Ariel finally went too far with that mobile phone running gag...  
  
The next Portal shows Raziel with the Reaver, glowing black and red.  
  
Raziel: You know, most of this stuff is pretty generic. And everyone knows that the story was changed to make Soul Reaver 2, so none of this'll actually happen anyway!  
  
The next Portal shows Raziel, Kain, Moebius and Janos Audron dressed up in various fancy dressed costumes singing "YMCA" in front of a crowd of women.  
  
Raziel: Ah, last year's LoK Convention...KainCon!  
  
The next Portal shows a gigantic Kain holding a struggling Umah in his giant hand, while climbing a skyscraper.  
  
Raziel: I know this. It's Kain's first attempt at a movie career - Kain Kong!  
  
Next, we see Kain in an apron showing how to cook Blood Pie.  
  
Raziel: Kain Can't Cook...OK, this is getting stupid now.  
  
The next portal shows Raziel lost in an endless maze of Block Puzzles.  
  
Raziel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Raziel runs past all the other portals and through the doors at the end of the corridor (literally - he didn't stop to open them). When he looks up from the chunks of broken door, he sees Kain looking at him with one eyebrow raised.  
  
Kain: At last. I must say, I'm disappointed in your progress. I imagined you'd make a much funnier parody. Tell me, did it trouble you to go through all those Block Puzzles?  
  
Raziel kicks Kain in the testicles.  
  
Kain: NNNNNNNNNNNNNN.......I'll take...that as..."yes"...  
  
Raziel: So, are we going to just cut and paste the scene from the beginning of Soul Reaver 2a?  
  
Kain: No, that would be the easy way out.  
  
Raziel: This entire series of parodies has been nothing but taking the easy way out! We're going to be stuck doing this for all eternity at this rate!  
  
Kain: Eternity is relentless, Raziel, just like American soap operas. When I first stole into this chamber, centuries ago, I was arrested and spent three weeks doing community service. Also, I did not fathom the true power of knowledge. To know the future, Raziel. To see its paths and streams tracing out into the infinite. As a man, I could never have contained such forbidden truths. But then, after the sex change, I saw it all so clearly. Of course, Simon Templeman's voice didn't fit then, so I switched back. But each of us is so much more than we once were. Gazing out across the planes of possibility, do you not feel with all your soul how we have become like omnipotent amoebas? And as such, are we not indivisible, and asexual? As long as a single one of us stands and splits, we are legion. That is why, when I must sacrifice my children to bring out my Red Eyes Black Dragon, I can do so with a clear heart.  
  
Raziel: Er...right...very poetic, Kain, and not at all legible, but in the end, you offer no more than a convenient rationalization for your crimes.  
  
Kain: That's all I need. These chambers offer insight for those patient enough to look, and who pay a donation to the Charity of Homeless Vampires. In your haste to find me, perhaps you have not gazed deeply enough, or paid enough out of your salary. Our futures are predestined. Moebius foretold mine a millennium ago, just before I lopped his head off. We each play out the parts fate has written for us. We are compelled ineluctably down pre- ordained paths. Free will is an illusion.  
  
Raziel: I didn't follow any of that, and seeing as I don't understand it, it's obviously not important. I have been to the Tomb of Sarafan, Kain. Your dirty secret is exposed. What were you doing in that Teletubbies costume? Also, how could you transform a Sarafan priest into a vampire?  
  
Kain: Well, first I took their bodies, then I imbued them with a portion of my Vampiric essence...oh, wait, you meant how could I morally. How could I not? One must keep his friends close, Raziel, and his enemies even closer. And sexy Goth chicks even closer, but that's off the subject. Can you grasp the absurd beauty of the paradox? We are the same, Sarafan and vampire. With our holy wars, our obsession with Nosgoth's domination, our regular visits to seedy brothels...who better to serve me than those whose passion transcends all notions of good and evil, and who happened to be there with decent fighting skills?  
  
Raziel: I will not applaud your clever blasphemy...well, maybe once. **claps** The Sarafan were saviors, defending Nosgoth from the corruption that we represent. I know, I read it on the back of a box of cereal. My eyes are opened, Kain. I find no nobility in the unlife you rudely forced on my unwilling corpse!  
  
Kain: Your corpse didn't protest at the time.  
  
Raziel: It was dead!!!  
  
Kain: Nitpick, nitpick.  
  
Raziel: You are lost in a maze of moral relativism, Kain.  
  
Kain: Better than being lost in a maze of Block Puzzles.  
  
Raziel: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!?!  
  
Raziel charges Kain and hits him three times with the Reaver. The third time, he makes Kain's pants fall down, to the delight of the female fans. For the male fans...well, there isn't much, but they can read the innuendo scene with all the girls talking dirty again if they want.  
  
Kain: You almost had me, but this is not how or where it unfolds.  
  
Raziel: Your trousers look like they're unfolding!  
  
Kain: Oh, shut up!  
  
Kain runs through the Portal. Raziel means to follow him.  
  
Elder God: Be warned, Raziel - once you cross this threshold, you are beyond my influence.  
  
Raziel: No I'm not - in Soul Reaver 2, you won't even have that line!  
  
Elder God: Yeah, I guess...  
  
Raziel runs through the Portal. He appears in a dark room. Moebius appears in front of him.  
  
Moebius: Raziel...Redeemer and Destroyer...Pawn and Mssiah...  
  
Raziel: Er...could you be a bit more specific, please?  
  
Moebius: Welcome, time-spanned soul. Welcome...to your destiny...  
  
Raziel: Er thanks. I...  
  
Moebius: Hang on, I gotta do a voice-over. *ahem* Where Time is but a loop, a loose stitch in the Universal Cloth, a Streamer might sieze upon a chance, a fatal slip - and plunge the fate of planets into chaos...  
  
Raziel: Great. So...what happens now?  
  
Moebius: Well, we wait a while, then the next game is made.  
  
Raziel: What?! What kind of ending is that?  
  
Moebius: Ah, quit whining.  
  
Raziel: Why you...I ought to...  
  
Moebius: Behind you! A Block Puzzle!  
  
Raziel spins around. Moebius hits him on the back of his head with his staff. He then turns to you.  
  
Moebius: We shall continue this...in SOUL REAVER 2A!!!!! ... ...which was actually written a year or so ago. Well before this one. Well...yeah...good.  
  
And entropy finally kind of catches up and everything sort of disappears.  
  
Meanwhile, in another time and place, Turel, whom no one had bothered to inform about the changes made in the game, waited...and waited...  
  
...and waited...  
  
...and realized he'd survived the game and Raziel's wrath.  
  
Turel: Woo-hoo! 


End file.
